Friday, April 13, 2012

Oh Baby!

So a dear friend reminded me this morning of the fact that I haven't made any annoucements on our blog, so here it goes.


I guess I have held off on saying anything on here because I feel this is my place to share more personally what has been going on in our lives.  I knew this would not just be a quick blog post, although I could have definitely made it that way, but I just wouldn't feel right about it.  Okay, in reality it really probably won't be that long, but I just had to preface it that way in case it turned out that way.

First let's get the basics out of the way. :)  I have almost 17 weeks pregnant and I'm due September 22nd.  We don't know what we're having yet, but we will definitely be finding out.  I started getting sick around 9 weeks and I'm still getting sick periodically.  Let's just say not just nausea. (Ugh, I know you wanted to know, haha) I feel like I'm finally starting to get some energy, but slowly.  Overall, it really hasn't been that bad so far.  I'm really starting to enjoy it more and more.  I haven't felt the baby move yet, but I'm sure it'll happen soon.  Matt is absolutely beyond excited.  He keeps asking me if it's wrong that he's so excited.  I remind him it's perfectly normal and I'd be quite worried if he wasn't so excited.

So for the background now.  Matt and I got married when I was 22 and he was 23.  I always thought we'd be able to have all the kids we wanted by the time I was 30, and then we'd be done and live happily ever after.  Ha!  Was I ever wrong.  We started trying to get pregnant a year after we got married.  I had really prayed about it and just knew that's what we were supposed to do.  So after a year and I still wasn't pregnant I started worrying.  We made an appointment with my doctor and went in to see the fertility specialist.  They tested me, they tested Matt and all tests came back that we were just fine.  That was definitely not reassuring to me, at all.  I mean I felt like why in the world am I not getting pregnant!?  If I'm fine then why is it not happening?

I don't remember the exact time line but around that time I asked Matt to give me a Priesthood blessing.  I just knew I needed answers that I wasn't getting from my prayers.  So in my blessing I was told to be patient, basically.  This was also around the time that we got the girls, so life was pretty crazy as it was, so looking back now, I see then was not a good time.  At the time though I was thinking, really?!  I must have to say that was a very difficult year for us.  We had the girls, gave them back, we moved to Kentucky and I was just miserable.  So the fact that I didn't get pregnant is truly no surprise. 

I have to say that while we wanted a baby so bad, I never felt super pressured from it all.  I tried to have an eternal perspective on this, as far as I knew I would have children, whether here on earth or not, I knew I would have them.  We had talked about adoption, but knew now was not the time.  We found out our new insurance would not cover fertility treatments at all, so that was ruled out as well.  So I really had just resigned myself to the fact that if we were meant to have kids we would and I was done and I mean done worrying about it. 

I remember calling my mom and telling her that I was just done.  I was done living my life on "what if" I get pregnant and not making plans to do things because "if" I got pregnant we wouldn't be able to do this or that.  I wouldn't get on proper medicine for my anxiety because I couldn't be on it "if" I was pregnant.  This all took place about last fall.  So I made an appointment with my regular doctor and got put on medicine that I would have to stop taking if I got pregnant, but I didn't care.  Matt and I talked about booking a big trip for our five year anniversary in August because we were done living our life on the "what if's".  I felt very liberated, but I still had a little pang whenever a friend announced they were pregnant.  I was truly so happy and excited for them, but usually on the day I found out I struggled, and then got over it.  I feel so guilty now even feeling that way, but I just couldn't help it. 

So, anyway, my birthday came rolling around in January and I was turning 27.  I was a few days late and was deathly afraid to take a pregnancy test.  I was so afraid I'd take it and then it'd come up negative.  But we ended up getting a test and lo and behold, it came up positive.  That was such an exciting moment.  I just couldn't believe that after all of that time it finally happened. 

I feel like life has been put into a little better perspective for me as far as why it has taken us so long.  I definitely know that in looking back over the past 3 1/2 years that life would have been a lot harder for us had we had a baby, and I don't know that our faith would have grown so much.  I know that it has definitely strengthened our relationship as a couple because this could have easily driven us apart.  I'm very grateful that we have been chosen to be the parents to this little baby and absolutely can't wait until we get to meet him or her.